Our family shifts shape a lot. With Matti with us Thursday to Sunday and Ruskin coming during all the UK school holidays, there are two, three or four children at home. During Matti's holidays Anton usually sleeps curled beside him for a week or two and then he is gone. Some weeks we are a busy household of four and then on Sunday afternoon we are down to the two littlest. What has surprised me most is that this situation feels more fluid and functional than I thought it would, but of course there are moments when I notice every flaw in the linoleum, every peel in the paint. Back in my university days a very wise woman told me the saying 'the soul travels at the speed of a trotting camel'. Ruskin and I have sat on a camel together as it sank and rose, ambling forward across a small part of the vast Sahara and I can still feel the speed a camel travels in my bones! So it is no surprise that the fast pace of goodbyes and airport drop offs that create the rhythm of life here can leave me feeling as if I am the stationary point in a time lapse photograph.

The good thing is that, apart from needing my camel to be moving a little quicker than it would like, and most often catching up with me some time after events, the kids are doing fine. I always find it something of a shock when Ruskin arrives happy and relaxed and so comfortable in his own skin. I remember spending my teenage years feeling like my body was a strange, wobbly, thing that had attached itself to the real me, so witnessing his confident navigation of these years leaves me quite bewildered and very relieved. I love doing the laundry when Ruskin is home, partly because it is a pleasure to do the practicalities of parenting him during the short time he is here, but mostly because it is nice to stand alone on the balcony smoothing out the evidence of his speedy growth. And though it only really feels as if my camel and I move as one when all four of our children are under one roof there is pleasure in all the forms our family takes.

Ville's parents are in Istanbul at the moment and stayed with us over the weekend. I love how much the three of them talk, and how deeply. The atmosphere feels unclogged by this fast free flow of ideas, which makes me realise (again) how stale this tiredness makes me. I am literally, as the saying goes, 'not on the same page' as Ville right now: I am not reading the same books or newspapers or following (even the little that I can!) his trains of thought.

When we are out walking I like it when Ville and his mother walk ahead so that they can speak Swedish and chatter even faster. It is great for the children to be surrounded by more people, for there to be a fresh infusion of energy. Matti has so much to say so additional audience are always welcome! Parenting alone, without family in the same country, feels a heavy responsibility for Ville and I sometimes. They get their attitude to life largely from us, and I so want to throw off any weariness and make life a merry dance. Anton's adoration of all his grandparents is a complete joy to me and I want to make the most of it, despite the distances. And yesterday, thanks to the extra entertainers, I had my first afternoon nap in a very, very long time and woke to watch the heavy bobbing quince outside the window.

I have put off starting this blog for a long time despite feeling like it was something I really needed because I had, still have, a dilemma. I am not Matti's mother, but the girlfriend of his father, and mother to his siblings, so should I write about him here? On the other hand I am here in Turkey so that Ville and Matti can see each other every week. And so from Thursday to Sunday he is very much part of the action here. I would never use mother language about myself to Matti but we do describe all the children as ours to anyone who asks us. And here in Turkey people often do! This used to cause me great annoyance at times, especially as the questions were often put to Matti as a Turkish speaker. He is our brown eyed boy in an otherwise blue eyed family and people here are not hesitant about asking why.

Being an extra person in a child´s life can be complicated but when I am with Matti it is very simple. I could not possibly treat him differently from the others.  Matti clambers over me all the time and I love it. We met when he was 4 and had no common language and I know that soon he won't remember a time before me or before speaking English. I never ever consider persuading Ville that we should move to an easier country, even on hard days, because I have fallen in love with Matti.

Do I have the right to blog about Matti? Part of me knows that its not a perfect idea but just needs to talk anyway.....I hope it will turn out ok. So if I write less about Matti or am a little more careful in my posts you understand why.

During the first week that I spent with Matti.