Father's Day.

If I could give Ville anything for father's day it would be to remove his guilt about making Matti a child from a broken home. Maybe its not fashionable to call it broken any-more, but that is what happened: it snapped. The possibility of the perfect triangle of mum, dad and child, with love flowing through the three of you, strengthening each join, is over for Matti. All of us parents that have decided that there is more to be lost for us than is to be gained for our children by staying in unhealthy relationships, bear this guilt. 13 years after I decided, far too late, to leave Ruskin's father, I feel stomach sinking guilt that my immature decision to marry the wrong man has caused my son pain. And yet I would not wish to go backwards to a time when these breaks were harder to make. I want to celebrate the fathers (and mothers) who share parenting after separation and get it right. They, like Ville and I, are part of the increasing number having to work out a different way of being a good parent, and whose determination makes the very best of a hard situation.

On many occasions I have watched Saturday dads try to cram what they feel for their child into a trip to the cinema, or a few hours at a playground. I remember a girl in Skipton spending her Saturday on the buses her dad drove so they didn't miss out on their chance to spend time together. I would like to buy a round for all the dads who stick at it after break-ups, turning up at every opportunity, never speaking badly of the child's mother in front of their sons and daughters, always putting their children far above any need to score points. I also want to say that if you are getting all of this right stop beating yourself up. The best advice my Mum gave me is that 'Your child can only be truly happy if you are'. Similarly Ville's ex mother-in-law used the analogy of the safety practice in planes of fitting your own air supply before that of your children, to caution him not to crash in a fog of guilt.

Ville may be embarrased that I say this here, but I am overwhelmed by the commitment he shows to Matti. In order to be a good parent he is remaining in a country he is more than ready to leave. Thursday to Sunday are devoted to packing in enough love and reassurance to last a whole week. The travelling from Heybeliada to Matti's other home is long, but, especially as Matti loves it here so much, never complained about. His gentle patience, and stamina for chess or computer games or maths puzzles or whatever is Matti's latest favourite, awe-inspiring. Happy Father's Day Ville.

Ville and Matti

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One thoughts on “Father's Day.

  1. Thank you my love. As you say, I would probably not have posted anything on those feelings myself, but I am so moved by the way that you did. Thank you for making it possible for me to be with Matti and have the rest of my family at the same time.


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