Dear Ville,

I want to put some of my feelings about your proposal of marriage on record, so that if our children ever want to know how I felt about you at this moment, it is here. Its taken several days to get the chance because Anton and Neve are small enough to sit on my (slightly expanded for the purpose) lap and that is where they like to be. As I write this you are in Turkey and I am in the UK.

This began not with a kiss but a thread. A facebook thread. After a short and chaste first meeting you returned to Turkey and I remained in the UK, and we used the thread to pull each other close enough to arrange a first meeting. I think that you already had me before we ever touched. The thread gleamed with the depth and honesty of your thoughts.

You arrived for our first time together on Friday and early on Saturday morning we set off to go deeper into the Dales to get my son, Ruskin. I had for the first time in 8 years postponed picking him up by a night. Of course it would have been lovely to get to know you, and have waited some appropriate time to declare us serious enough for you to meet him, but none of that was a real option. You were only able to stay a few days and I wouldn't miss time with Ruskin and so we set off. I remember we had cooked breakfast at a cafe and then you and Ruskin played chess by the river.

That summer we had two weeks in Istanbul together without either of our children. It was wonderful, Looking back at the pictures, though, nearly every one shows you with your phone stuck to your ear. You were working as director of Amnesty International in Turkey then, and a real break wasn't possible.

At the end of that summer we went to my sister Katrina's wedding in Italy and you met my family for the first time. Everyone loved you and my Dad was the person who asked the million-dollar question: How are you going to make this work? And the answer was not in any way obvious. We both had shared parenting arrangements for our children that bound us to our countries. Mine had ended up defining me: I trained as a teacher so that I would be available in holidays and at weekends, my second marriage failed in part because I couldn't prioritize anyone but my son. I was still afraid of Ruskin's Dad.You were close to burn-out and without any healthcare insurance where you lived, there was no chance of a paid break to recuperate. We had little but our determination to be together without hurting our children.

Just before Christmas that year you brought Matti to the UK to meet me for the first time, Coming off the flight you both looked traumatized, but not quite so much as the passengers who had sat near you! Matti and I had no common language but the boys quickly worked out how to have fun together. I remember Ruskin and I asking all the time: "what did he say, what did he say?" We began to fly to see each other whenever we could.

The following March Ruskin decided that he wanted to live with me full-time, and we began the legal proceedings that would allow us to live with you, and enable us to be present for Matti. The case took a painful year until we were free to join you. I flew every few weeks right up until the a couple of weeks before Anton's birth (we even shopped around for an airline that would still take me!). One of the most important experiences of my life has been learning to stand up for myself, and it was you who taught me how to do it. We went through this incredibly exhausting, time-consuming, frightening process, hand in hand.

Once we had all of our growing family together in one place a new set of challenges took hold. It was a 12 year old who asked us to fight on his behalf and a nearly 14 year old one that we had to find the right school for in Turkey. And after all the battles we had fought to unite everyone, when the right solution for Ruskin (nearly 2 years down the line) turned out to be boarding school in England, you just got on with the challenge of funding it.

Ville, I could fill pages and pages with what you have done for us all. You have saved me from a life of good enough and helped me create one that makes me truly happy. Often when I am holding these two children that we have together, or watching what fun the various combinations of kids have together, I am utterly overwhelmed.

But, what about us? You and me. We had to hit the ground running and then gathered pace. We have been out by ourselves only a handful of times since we met. Every penny and every minute has been given to making this work as we promised it would, without hurting our children. You already have a tendency not to seek your own comfort (to do with your Aspergers I think), you have to be reminded to relax. And I know that our brilliant children give you unbelievable pleasure, and they are the threads that bind us ever more tightly. But like for all couples with children, the next challenge is for you and I to stay central to the rapidly unfolding story.

Now you have asked me to marry you. I know that this proposal is not to ensure that we will be together: that is a done deal.  So why, when you asked me, did I feel such joy? We have not been able to have a past in which you and I dated and focused on each other, so we must look to a future in which we can finally spend time alone together. We need to have our first weekend away, our first holiday, our first date without the weight of our responsibilities pressing heavily on us. I feel that this is what getting married is actually about. Its about you and me, and a big reminder that this has all been possible because we love each other. That we have to take care to nurture the union that is at the center of our gorgeous family. I do not want a single thread that could bind us, symbolic or otherwise, to go untied. And I am so excited that we can start planning a party. So now that you have finally popped the big question I have an even more important one for you: Where are we going on Honeymoon?


Julia

Father's Day 2010

Father's Day 2012

Neve, Anton and Matti June 2012

In Italy for Katrina and Fed's Wedding

Ville and Matti Christmas 2011

When I was not so much older than Anton one of my favourite songs went like this:

Blue, blue, blue is everything I'm wearing.
Blue, blue, blue is everything I like.
Why do I always dress myself in blue?
Because a sailor is the man I love.


It had as many colour verses as my Mum could think up jobs for. Not the perfect feminist rhyme to sing to your daughters, or sons for that matter, but fun nonetheless.  When I was a little older Mum went through a (short-lived) phase of encouraging us to pray for our future husbands during our night time prayers. I loved this idea, little though I was, it was such a romantic thought that somewhere out there my spouse was growing up in preparation for us meeting, and living happily ever after. Two failed marriages, and years living in clear, comfortable atheism later, the idea that there was someone right for me seemed preposterous. I would either find someone I liked enough to spend my time with one day, or I wouldn't. I was saddest about only having one child when I had pictured a brood. I was lonely but, most days, I knew how to manage it.

Meeting Ville was everything described in songs. I felt as if the gods, frustrated by my constant mistakes, just stuck me next to the one person who would make everything good, and said 'Now for goodness sake go and have a proper life'. The idea that someone's chosen profession can be a reason (one of the reasons) that you love them, like in the song above, became truer than I had really expected. While I was at the Amnesty International AGM at which I met Ville, and it being a rare weekend without Ruskin, the friend I was with suggested we go and chat up some 'human rights hotties'! With all the confidence of someone who has been ditched for a younger, prettier model, I followed Cath to the bar. People who follow their convictions wherever they lead, (and have decent values in the first place) are a rare find. I felt immensely proud of who Ville was and the things he chooses to stand up for. I still do.

Once we had spent a bit more time together it was clear that there was something about Ville that was different. His ability to concentrate was super-human. Being the kind of person who needs a cup of tea and a biscuit every 15 minutes, I was in awe. If you asked him what he was thinking the answer would come as an explanation of a philosophical problem, or a real idea, quite unlike the 'I like that girl's shoes, what shall we have for dinner, etc' that ran through my head. I soon realised that Ville was utterly transparent, in that you could see worries pass over his face like clouds. He also never sought his own comfort: the man could be sat on lego bricks for hours and not notice till the discomfort was over. He would fall asleep in his clothes every night if you gave him half a chance. As he relaxed around me he occasionally made slight flapping movements in his excitement about a new idea or answer.When he first mentioned Asperger syndrome, it clicked.

Asperger syndrome is a condition on the autistic spectrum. It is an aspect of Ville's personality and I would never want to change it. People with Asperger syndrome often trade social skills and understanding others easily, for exceptional abilities in one or two areas. For Ville these areas are languages and analytical thinking, and he has learnt to compensate for the stuff that hasn't always come naturally. Its been useful for him while he has been working from home that he can concentrate even when all four children are at their most energetic! Sometimes we all have to ask him whether he actually took in what we have said. Yesterday Anton demonstrated his understanding of this by saying to Ville 'Don't say mmmmm, say yes'.

Now the idea that there was someone out there for me all along doesn't seem quite so daft a notion. And feeling as romantic as I do about life with Ville, having a little girl imagining the union that will one day happen, less problematic. I mean, meeting Mr or Mrs Right or Nearly Right does bring with it so much potential for joy. Its incredible to me that I got my perfect man and my brood after all. And an aspie is the man I love.

Ville in Skipton soon after we met.

Ville with Matti and Anton in Finland.